Friday, April 9, 2010

"I See Your True Colors Shining Through"

Well, I have tried just about everything to get my photograph from my former-therapist Ronit, and she has not responded to a single one of my requests. So I suppose that in addition to dumping me off, like a piece of trash, she wants to add insult to injury by stealing an important piece of my history.

The journey to finally learning to trust this woman wasn't easy. Given my history, it is amazing that I was able to love her. I did love her deeply- and like virtually every other person in my life she let me down, smashed my hope to pieces, and broke my heart.

I recently read the stories of a few children who were "sent back" by their adoptive parents after the children showed signs of emotional instability. Because Ronit called herself my mommy-therapist, etc I too felt like I had finally found a place in the world in which I was safe and cared for. This came crashing down to pieces after she adopted a child. She no longer needed to use me for make-believe. She no longer wanted to take the time to reassure me, or to even care.

Lisa is much better. She takes the initiative to call me on weekends. She returns calls promptly. She is extremely intelligent and she never fails to show up when I need her.

And sometimes this increases my grief, because I realize that if Ronit would have been willing to call me for 5 minutes on weekends ( as Lisa does), I would have felt as though she cared about me and not like I was being abandoned. My needs were so very simple. I just needed someone to care about me. And Ronit told me that she cared about me...but she didn't. She cared about my money. She didn't care about my mind and soul, because if she did she wouldn't have done what she did. She wouldn't have stolen my photograph. She wouldn't have ignored my calls. She would have been a reasonable person. She would have called periodically to ensure that I was safe and cared for. She has never ONCE called just to see if I was alright. Why? She doesn't care.

It took me so long to finally trust someone, to finally let someone in.

You don't just return someone because they are having a difficult time. My family kept my sister and gave me away...and then she kept the baby she adopted and gave me away.

What she has done is criminal.

I filed a report with the board and later revoked it because I didn't want any harm to come to her. Funny how I would be so concerned about her well-being, and she hasn't even called me to see if I'm okay. She doesn't care.

People like this have no business being therapists or adopting children. A therapist is not supposed to simulate being " mommy" and she did- she did this to the max. When it crashed to the ground, she should have called me periodically to see if I was okay. She should have given me more than 2 sessions to terminate....

When she decided that she wanted to be "mommy", she should have known that this would come with real consequences.... and that she had a responsibility to honor and care for our relationship.

She left me behind.

And has never once just looked back to see if I'm okay. She doesn't care.

I feel like I've lost my mother all over again. I felt heartbroken.

I read a story about a little girl who was adopted from a foreign country and later returned to foster-care. The little girl kept talking about how she was having dreams of falling down a black hole.

I dreamt that Ronit left me behind while I was climbing steps. I would wake up screaming and crying. It was the most horrible thing I've ever had to deal with. A pain that you can only understand if you've lost your family. My failed " adoption" messed me up. I became angry and filled with rage. I was suspended. All of the good things don't even seem important anymore.

Lisa says that I am vindictive and mean-spirited. She doesn't understand that I am in tremendous pain- she doesn't know that Ronit was one of only a handful of people that I really let in-- let into my soul.

I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone again. I don't think I'll even want to trust anyone moving forward. I just want to fall into that black hole, and keep falling forever until I forget who I am and everything I've had to endure. I just want to fall until I really am nothing on the inside and outside.

None of this matters to Ronit. She doesn't care that she ruined my capacity to form attachment, to love, to trust. She doesn't understand that she injured me so severely- and that it didn't have to be that way. She treated me like garbage.

I should have left the filing in-place.

Lisa said that if I filed the complaint that Ronit wouldn't repair anything with me...but Ronit isn't going to repair anything with me anyway. I'm not worth it. She's shown me time and time and time again that she doesn't think I'm good enough for a phone-call or a kind word.

I hope that she is kind to the baby she adopted. When the child proves to have her/his own mind, I hope that she understands that when you commit to being someone's mother ( even in the way she did with me) that this bond is real...and it's serious. You don't return your literal or spiritual children.

Children give me hope. I've read and learned about so many cases of "disrupted" adoptions this week. I couldn't imagine going through this at age 7 or 8...but some children do....

These children are heros.

Adoptees have endured more than you can imagine.

The stories of the little ones have given me strength and hope. Just as I had terrible nightmares for months about Ronit leaving me- about being left behind, so did they. Just as I felt unwanted and used, so did they.

At least I'm older. At least I wasn't living with Ronit, depending on her totally. I did depend on her emotionally for love (which never came), for tenderness, for comfort...and she has handed me a trauma that will follow me for the rest of my life.

I deserved better.

But life isn't fair. Those kids deserved better too.

And yet, we're still here....still surviving. We might not be fact we might be crawling along...but we're still here, fighting for our lives...fighting for our lives.

One day, I will hold my child in my arms.... and I will have what so many people take for granted- I will have peace.

I don't think I will be able to trust again. Lisa rules by force and is so abrasive, that it won't be possible for me to psychologically be held by her. Feels like she and everyone else wants me to stand up and run a marathon without any legs. I wish I felt more for Lisa. I wanted to connect to her before, but after she yelled at me for paging her at night-time ( without EVER telling me that this wasn't okay) I just sort of gave up. I don't have the energy.

I don't even care anymore.

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