Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I Want To Be A Real Person

I didn't want to blog. Considering that my work requires me to remain in the shadows about who I am, and often about the full scope of what I feel from day to day, I was hesitant to get back into the game of publicly processing my thoughts and emotions. G-D forbid I accidentally let something slip, something that wasn't supposed to come out- some weakness that needed to remain veiled.

This year, I have traded in notions of bravery for authenticity. People that I can't trust aren't getting invitations into my inner world. People that feel " unsafe" are being kept at an appropriate distance and I'm not allowing myself to feel guilty about my desire to be protective of my own well-being. I was hit hard this year, in various fashions. I suffered various serious betrayals and losses, but that isn't what I feel like writing about. Instead, I want to talk about my stance on marriage.

In some ways I am very old-fashioned. I don't own a television. I don't have any interest in pop culture. Of course I have vegan tendencies when it comes to household products, I am not particularly fashion-conscious, but meeting good people is really important to me. By "good" I mean " mindful". I mean- I enjoy people that think of the consequences, people that are introspective, people that are empathetic......people who have the courage to feel pain...and then the courage to feel their way THROUGH pain- which is no easy feat.

In the middle of a conversation tonight, I realized that I had been anti-marriage because I have been exposed to so many misuses of marriage. I am uncomfortable with the idea of marrying out of a sense of duty or shame...and somewhere within my mind, I got really confused.

My mother ( G-D love her) tries to run every aspect of my life. She always has a stamp of disapproval ready for whoever I chose to date..which is really a stamp of disapproval of me and my ability to make good choices. Marrying the kind of person I want to marry, would be a nightmare for her...and tonight, I realized that I can no longer afford to care about this.

I've dated many people counterintuitively. As in, I knew something was off, but I proceeded because she thought it would be a good idea.

I spent time with someone tonight that I really enjoyed. She was witty and humorous and sensitive and brilliant and fun. She and I seemed a lot alike, and I found myself thinking " I really want to get to know this person".

Sure, my mother will completely spazz out ( and she does that anyway)...but I don't care. I really want to be happy.