Thursday, July 28, 2011

This Divided Life I Lead

I feel as though I am possessed by a fire, and the blaze is burning me up, consuming my kindness and my will.

Anissa and I met with our marital therapist yesterday. Our love for one another is deep, albeit strange. The therapist was a lot like Latte- assaultive, judgmental, cruel, and inaccurate. She seemed unable to comprehend how or why I might have mixed emotions towards my step-children. She seemed to feel that the demonstration of mixed emotion is cause for ridicule, and could be remedied by repeatedly bashing my psyche into the sofa. She is very clearly severely emotionally disturbed.

As our therapist lit into me, Anissa shifted in her seat. Afterwards Anissa apologized to me. Later the therapist left a message on my voicemail. In the recording ( which I was tempted to post on youtube) she rambled on about how messed up I am for having mixed emotions. At first, I was very hurt by this....but now, I just see this as a sad and sorry commentary on our mental health industry. Therapists need to learn to respect differences, and to suspend judgement. That woman attempted to rip me to shreds. I regret that we wasted time and money on her.

Anissa made a lot of good points about the ordeal. " I see it as a business transaction that didn't work out" she said. As I was slinking down in the seat of the car nearing tears, Anissa was bright eyed. " It's not like she was a long-time friend or someone that really knew us." She was right. S had only spent a grand total of 3 hours with us. In the message, the therapist stated that " In every session someone would be in the hot seat." I swallowed. " I have a feeling that if we had stayed in therapy with her, you would have been the one in the hot seat in every session. For some reason, I get the feeling that she really didn't like you Julian."

I don't think it was about what I said. It was about who I am. This therapist is an ego-maniac, and regardless of her verbal assaults, I didn't waiver. I stayed true to my emotions. I refused to lie about my feelings to appease her and this got her goat. She expected to be able to shame me, but instead I did not move.

Los Angeles therapists protect one another. S turned out to be a friend of R,which would explain her hatred of me.

The consensus among them seems to be that if you speak out against one of their friends, you deserve to be bullied, harassed, and abused.

I know a few therapists that are genuinely good, open people...but most of them have god-complexes... and I sit here tonight, wondering why this should come as such a surprise to me.