Saturday, August 27, 2011

Potluck Dinner Beneath the Sky & Kellie

The fire alarm spooked me. It exploded in one loud chirp and then silenced itself. The noise didn't even stir Ness, but BB and I sat straight up, looking around equally dazed.

I'm thinking of my step-children tonight. I sense their sadness and confusion. I don't know where I fit in...how I can help them feel secure in the world again. I am a realist. I think that children should know the truth about their flawed parents. I think they should know that we do our best, and that we too are lost ( in varying degrees).

I will do my best to keep them shielded and safe, but I don't have the answers either. The only thing I have is more experience than they do. I still don't know why it is the friends we think we can trust most turn on us, or why life is so unpredictable. I have no cure for the common-cold, only a few remedies to ease the pain. My offerings are small, but I'll do what I can.

I don't know the children very well yet.

I cannot quite figure out where I am. Perhaps, I somewhere between here and the stars, between near and far, stuck in the middle. Lately, my dreams have been vivid and emotional. Last night, I dreamed that Kellie and I were on a journey. I lost her in a crowd of people at the supermarket. I woke up screaming her name. I have so much I need to say to her. There are so many things that I should have said to her while she was alive. When she talked to me about suicide, instead of repeating R's idiotic mantra I should have talked from my heart...I should have told her that I loved her and that I wanted her here, alive, healthy, and happy. I wish I would have known then how deeply I loved my best friend. I wish that I could have known that losing Kellie would mean losing a part of myself.

I decided tonight that I should start writing about the grotesque workings of the mundane. I should write about the things which really horrify me. I'm not afraid of the boogie- man, no...I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid of whatever silenced Kellie.

When I read her old letters, I didn't cry. He locked her out of the house without shoes on. She walked to the library in the snow....but she didn't have the strength to open her mouth. I don't understand why she didn't call me, why she didn't ask for real help, why she didn't fight for her life. Or maybe she did...

But people are cruel.

After she died, J wrote A about me and they conspired to send me into the grave after her. They bullied me and called me names. I bit back. I wrote fire. I let them know that no one would dance on my grave.

But in the end, there is still silence.

Those evil fools will never matter anyway, and my friend is still gone. There's nothing i can do.

In some ways, I see Anissa as my grace, my resolution. She is my replacement friend who also happens to be my wife, but there is no replacing Kellie.


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