Monday, September 21, 2015

Happy Birthday Adoptee.

Every September I grieve.

I stare into the void of the mouth of the beast and somehow, I know unspeakably that I am dissolving into nothingness. My skin writhes, glass shards pressed against me- from inside- wiggling, longing to escape the pain that surely comes each year. It is a pain like death which swallows me whole- deafens me by screaming that my life is worthless...and then like waves, miraculously it subsides and I am clean again.

The Anniversary of my Birth. The Anniversary of My Relinguishment. The Day I lost My Mother. The Day I lost my Father. The Day I Lost Everyone. The Day They Decided they Didn't Want Me. The Day I went out into the world alone. The day I lost everything...even myself. The day I became a stranger. The day I died without actually dying. The day I was erased from the narrative of our family. The day no one rejoiced. The day you didn't even bother to give me a name.

This is why I don't generally " celebrate" my birthday.

Happy Birthday Adoptee.