Friday, October 30, 2015

In the Quiet

There are no words which can accurately describe who you are. You’ve become many things to me through the years. I’ve spent years trying to demonize you…but that feels shallow and never sticks.

I spent some time tonight re-reading old journal entries about us. Sometimes, I really resented you for your role in my life. We lived in two worlds. Outside of your room, we pretended not to know each other. Inside that room, you came to know me intimately- to know me better than any other would ever know me.

I wanted to take your hand and walk together out of that room- it wasn’t enough for me…to celebrate all the holidays together within the same four walls. For my birthday you made me cookies. We always spent Christmas eve together- but never Christmas. Shabbat was always a solemn time for you. I missed you every Shabbat.

The 4 walls became a prison and I began to break into pieces.

There were times when we cried together, when we gazed into each other’s eyes for extended periods of time without glancing away even once. There was so much beauty and warmth in what was shared.

But it wasn’t enough for me.

I couldn’t live in that room for the rest of my life. I just couldn’t. Even if it was the only place I would ever find you.

I started to grieve myself to death because I knew I was faced with an impossible choice. I would have to leave the room and go out into the world without you….or stay in that little tiny room with you and completely miss out on the joy and exhilaration of living in the world and participating in something real with someone who could be with me in the ways I needed them to be there.

I kept trying to choose to leave you behind, but I couldn’t do it. Something always dragged me back to you, in the room.

So eventually, you chose for me.

You said it was an act of love.

No more room.

No more you.

No more me, for a time.

Losing you was like being spliced in two. For months I had dreams of dolls and various other strange inanimate objects being ripped into two.

To say that I loved you would be a grave understatement.

Then the anger came.

It washed over me.

I felt abandoned, betrayed…and so so hurt. I felt so hurt in fact, that I eventually started to feel nothing at all. Nothing.

I’m okay now.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m still a little angry. Oh, and make no mistake..some of the things you said about me in order to protect your own ass was way out of line, but I suppose neither of us was completely in the “ right” or the “ wrong”.

Both of us were just trying to find a way to go on. Survival instincts.

For you- that meant demonizing me.

I tried to do that too, but my heart wasn’t in it. I could never bring myself to truly think ill of you….because I remember you. I remember the quiet in you, and the glow of love, and the warmth of your heart.

I remember you.

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